Let’s Talk About Our Husbands

June 4, 2020 |

Hello dear friends!  I do hope things are going well with you and your families.  As I mentioned before, we have no need to fear because the Lord has complete control and He has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and love, and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7).   He has got it!

The last time we talked, I was sharing some ideas with you that I thought might be fun and helpful for you and your family but more specifically about you and your children.  I do hope that was helpful to you.   

This time, however, I would like for us to focus our attention on our husbands. Could it be, ladies that with all the things we have to do each day we are overlooking our husbands? I think this is a very real possibility! 

It is so easy for us to go about doing whatever we have in mind to do without even thinking about what our husbands might want or need!

Given our culture, this does not seem to be an issue for many women, but let's look at this from a Biblical perspective.  We want to be women of the Word.

At first, God created Adam.  God said that it was not good for the man to be alone, I will make for him a helper, suitable for him (Genesis 2:18).  He did that by creating Eve.  Ladies, in the line of Eve, we are the helpers God promised Adam he would send!  We were created and are on assignment from God to love and serve our husbands!

Knowing that this is our assignment, we want to do this to the best of our abilities.

But, before we dive into how we can be this wonderful helper, I think it would be helpful for us to think about some of the things that our husbands are responsible for. To look at the weight he typically must carry.

  • If your husband has a job, he needs to do whatever his boss expects him to do, whether he likes it or not! Yes, he must be submissive too.
  • He is responsible with you for the finances…the finances in your home.
  • He is responsible to make hard decisions for the family. Because of some of the things we are experiencing right now some changes may need to be made and he and you will have more decisions to make. These are not easy things to deal with and I am grateful that my husband is willing to take the lead in making these decisions! Of course, it is great if the two of you can discuss the issues and come to an agreement (this should always be the goal, see Amos 3:2), but even if you can’t agree, remember that we are the helper….not the final word.  It is that authority/submission thing again (see Ephesians 5:22-33).

More could be said, but I think we get the message.  Hopefully, we have gotten a small glimpse of what our husbands are up against. It is no small task, to be sure, and we can certainly understand why Adam (our husbands) would need a helper.  So, how do we do this?   

First of all, it is critically important that we realize from the beginning, that we are honoring God and serving Him by honoring and serving our husbands…"it is the Lord Christ whom you serve (Colossians 3:24)." 

Now, let us see what kind of things we can do to help our husbands.

  • Let him know you appreciate him for who he is (not for what he does).
  • Let him know that he is the most important person in your life (except for the Lord, of course). And mean it! 

I asked my husband about this and he said that one of the things that I do which makes him believe he is the most important person in my life is when I really listen when he tries to tell me something important.  Actually, he is in the process of writing a book based on Titus 2:3-5, in which he gently urges us, women, to learn to listen to our husbands.  He let me read some of the rough drafts from this section of his book since it is so apropos, and I want to share just a nugget or two with you.  From John's book, entitled What's A Woman To Do? and the section entitled, Learn to Listen to Your Husband:

  

This is one of those two-edged sword discussions. 

Like the wife who said, "I would listen to my husband if he had anything to say!"  And in all fairness, some men just don't have much to say.  They are by temperament quiet types and in addition have probably learned along the way to be guarded in what they say.  On the other hand, some wives have learned to be more outspoken and have learned that to influence their husbands often calls for many words. Maybe your style is different.  So, what is a woman to do who wants to change the communications paradigm of her marriage and learn to be a better listener?  Let me share just two suggestions:

  1. Learn to recognize your husbands emotional state of being and begin your response to his words at this level. Like when he says as he walks in from work looking somewhat dejected, "my boss was on my case again today."  What I am suggesting here is to respond in like manner to his emotions before moving to a discussion that involves rational thinking.  In this case, an emotional response which communicates an understanding of his emotional state of being would look and sound something like this: "Oh honey, that must be discouraging."  Speaking as a husband, I know that really helps me when Paulette responds like this.  I know she understands how I feel and is not judging me for where I am emotionally speaking.  From that level of the conversation, I am now freed up to move to talk about what, if anything, I might do about it.
  2. Learn to draw out your husband by asking questions instead of proposing solutions. In other words, don't try to fix the broken pieces of your husband's life.

One temptation that many women cannot deny is to propose a solution to a problem their mate is struggling with, even though that may be the last thing he wants from her.  What a good husband usually wants from his good wife is not to tell him what to do.  Instead, he needs two things: 1) He needs most of all to know that she is really listening to him. Like the man who is dying and sharing his final request to a friend.  And then he says, "promise me?"  The last thing he wants to hear at a moment like that is, "What was that again?"  2) He needs to know he is married to someone who can lovingly and patiently ask him about what he is doing.  In other words, he needs accountability which is applied in the form of questions rather than statements.  Like the man who wants to buy a new car.  It is a "must have" and a "must have right now."  And he is so excited!

Let's say in this latest example of wanting to buy a new car, you want to implement what has been suggested in steps 1 and 2 above. What do you do?

  • With a smile on your face, you force yourself (if necessary) to say, "Oh honey, that sounds so exciting!" This will be easier for some women than for others.
  • Now that he knows that you have heard him emotionally, you can move (and he can move with you) to the rational level of discussion which may include such questions as:
    • What is your plan honey?
    • Do we have the money for that honey?
    • Do we really need that honey?
    • Is this for me honey?

 

Ladies, I hope that glimpse into my husband's soon to be published new book was helpful.  It will be a download from our website soon.

Just a few more thoughts…

Speak highly of your husband!

Have you ever been in a situation where some ladies were making fun of their husbands, maybe being critical of them, etc.? If you have not I hope you never do!  And if you have, no doubt you can remember the awkwardness of the moment.  Ladies, this is something we never want to do or be a part of.  The Lord tells us we are to honor our husbands, and that is that we a want to do.  And by the way, we would also hope that our husbands would do the same, should the shoe be on the other foot.  But even if they don’t, we want to be faithful in this.

Think about this…. if the table were turned and it was your husband that was sharing some not so nice things about you, how would you feel?    If we don’t want our husbands to speak wrongly about us, we need to be sure we are not speaking wrongly about Him!  

If there are issues that need to be addressed, the husband and wife need to discuss them quietly and prayerfully and determine to honor and respect each other in the process.

  • Say please and thank you… (no I am not kidding). This is a great opportunity for your whole family to be kind to one another.  You can take the lead in this!       
  • Ask him what you can do to help him each day. It may not be anything you even thought of doing, but now that you know you can make it happen!

I know I have given you a lot to think about…so please do not get discouraged!  Remember once again we are doing this for our husbands to be sure, but also because it is what the Lord has asked us to do.    

Now, some of you might be saying that you have your hands full and there is no way you can do these things. And even more that than that, why do I have to do all of this? My husband should be helping me! 

Truly, there are times when our husbands can and will help us but remember, our husbands are also tired at the end of the day and we have no idea what their day has been like! 

So, what do we do now?

Let's go back to the Scripture where we started realizing that God's plan for us is to be helpers to our husbands.  Since God does not change, we know that his plan is the same as it has always been, we are to be helpers to our husbands.   I am sure that our culture would disagree, but I am not talking about culture, I am talking about the Word of God, and I think we can get some clarification here.  

In Titus 2:3-5,  we learn that "the older women likewise  are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious  gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands,  to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being  subject to their own husbands that the word of God may not be dishonored."  This last phrase always brings me to my knees. That the Word of God would not be dishonored.  Oh ladies, let it never be said of us that we would ever do anything that would cause the Word of God to be dishonored!

Let's talk again soon,

Paulette

Posted in Marriage

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